Sunday, September 9, 2007

cellephony and the scatterbrain

The trouble with a cellphone is that it is a small piece of equipment and it has no fixed abode, being, by its very nature, mobile.
If it belongs to a somewhat scatterbrained person, much effort has to be made to ensure its optimum use.
It took me ages to remember to carry it with me when I left my house.
I wouldn't even think of looking at the 'missed calls'.
I would be scolded by whoever had tried to call me.
It took me even longer ages to remember to take it out of my handbag when I returned to the said house.
I tend to be rather paranoid about my handbag. So I try and keep it inside my wardrobe as a matter of habit.
So the poor phone would be ringing away inside the cupboard, while I remained happily oblivious to its sound.
More missed calls, and even more scoldings.

Maybe, at some deep, unfathomable level, I wish to remain incommunicado for some of the time at least.

Some of the world wishes to reach me though.
Especially Airtel, my mobile phone service provider.

They remember me at strange times of day. If they are not calling up with some new scheme or other, they are sending me short messages. And the 'sms' beeps have ruined many an afternoon siesta, when the phone is actually not in The Handbag in The Cupboard.

Maybe Airtel thinks I sleep too much.
I have some suggestions for Airtel so that they can give us more personalized service, and for Nokia, so that they can make even more efficient handsets.

Devise a system so that the phone calls that you really want to miss never show up on your phone.

Devise a system so that you always receive a call in case of emergency.
Most times when it's really urgent the network will be congested or the number you want will be switched off or unreachable.

Devise a system so that Airtel knows when the users are either asleep or very sleepy, or deeply involved in the latest Harry Potter and do not wish to be disturbed by either calls or beeps from Airtel.

Devise a system that knows when you are in the bathroom and tells the caller that the dialled number will be accessible only after ten minutes or so. Agreed you will get a missed call, but think of the tension one undergoes while using the facilities with the cell phone merrily sounding off the while. Technology is nowadays so advanced, it ought to know.

Instead of those ghastly low-battery squawks, the cell phone should remind you once a day to charge its battery. A polite message can be worded to suit the user's temperament. ( Like: 'Please charge me, I'm really feeling low now', or, alternatively, for tough cookies, 'Charge me right now or else'.)

A system whereby the phone tells you that its in the wrong place in your handbag. Most ladies' handbags these days come with a special pocket for a cell phone. If you have not put the phone in the special pocket, it should immediately trigger an alarm. This will save you from the embarrassment of fumbling in the assorted junk in your handbag for a full five minutes with your phone ringing away to glory while an entire concert hall/seminar room looks upon you with great disdain.

A system wherein the phone knows when you are leaving the house. If you even try to step out of the house without it, maybe it can yodel out a little tune: "Yoo hoo oo, you've forgotten something important" or " What'll you do without me, Babe".
You should also be able to deactivate this system when required.
(It should also be able to tell you not to lock it up in your wardrobe in your handbag).

Cell phones should, generally, refuse to accompany you on morning walks.
Or when you are going for yoga class, or for a swim.
They Ought to Know when they are not welcome.

The scatterbrain has put in enough thought for the day.
We hope to find new and improved handsets and services.
Your valuable suggestions are most welcome.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had known that you were so challenged before we took the vows.
Ab to nibhaana hi padega.

dipali said...

Sir, we took the vows long before such challenging devices even existed. And I've not even mentioned the hours we have spent hunting for your phone, car keys, spectacles etc.
Who is nibhaao-ing with whom?

Anonymous said...

Hee hee... :))) awwwsum post! especially since i've suddenly developed this abit of forgetting my cellphone wherever i go... !!! plus mine falls so many times in a day i think its started goin into coma off n on now!!! :D

Anand said...

in expectant wait of your cell phone call in the morning. will put the damn phone off silent mode now!!!

Usha said...

Hehe...I am reminded of some of the requirements the banks used to demand from our banking software. But guess what the company developed some wonderful features based on customer feedback some of which sounded absurd.
So if Nokia and Airtel do implement any of your suggestions you should feel free to ask for a fee!

Usha said...

and yes ma'm, I have done the tag!

Anonymous said...

hehehe, nice post ! Enjoyed first two comments too :-)

Unknown said...

Hey, is there anyway we can actually forward this to the powers that be in aforementioned cellular service providers...

...this from one who has the misfortune of being on the list of numbers which is fortunate enough to get messages at 6 am informing one of a one on one free offer on at Trumart.

Choxbox said...